3.12.2009

 

Wild Effing Kingdom

No shit man. First, we have The Skunks, a lovely family of 5 living under the duplex porch. Then The Red Fox stalking the million and two Brown Fucking Bunnies, Moles, and Mice. The dogs that stalked my yard startling me at every available turn and turning Speck into a barking, humping maniac.

Then we move in to our other house and have the Fat Old Ground Hog waaaaaay out back and the Younger Chicky Ground Hog living under my shed that dug holes and drove me nuts. And the Red Tailed Hawk that floated high aboveit all,(I don't have as many fucking bunnies), but I worried he'd get it into his head that Speck looked like a bunny..... THEN, over Halloween The Opossum showed up to dig holes in my pumpkins and my trash cans and toss my trash around the driveway with impunity.

But two nights ago Jason and I woke up in the dark of night to a mysterious noise......

Bump. Bump bump.

SCRRRRRRAAAAPE BUUUUUUMP


RRRRAAAATTLE

So I figure it's The Opossum again fuckin with my trash can and I am up out of bed in a flash. Like in Twas The Night Before Christmas, Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. Or whatever. I have a shovel in the Florida room and some slip on shoes. I fly out the door...... and.................................... Nothing. There's absolutely No-Thing out there. Back to bed with me. Good thing I can hit the pillow,close my eyes and Nighty Night. I'm already drooling and mouth breathing. Zzzzzzzz........


Last night? The same bumping and thumping. Instead of flying out the door and trying to catch the culprit, I tossed myself angrily in my bed and thought of the many many MANY ways I could kill this Big Ass Possum.

I have no issue at all smacking this little Trash Soldier with My Big Ass Shovel. Sometimes Soldiers, We Have To Kill Possums. I will, with extreme malice, chop his beady eyed, pointy head Oh Ef Ef. (That means Off for you peeps who don't dig phonetics)

But, here's the little hitch in that giddy-up. I haven't seeeeeeeen the Possum in weeks.


Just. The. Noise.

*RAWR*

Tonight. This Very Evening I was sitting on my couch enjoying some NCIS and a little computing and all the sudden Speck looks up like something is amis. I stop, hit mute, and listen intently. See? I think subconciuosly I knew I was hearing the signiture Bump, Scrape, Rattle and Shake of my little Trash Can Minion. But, I think with a tilt of my head, it was early yet. Like way to early for our Friendly Possum to be up and prowling. On with the slidey shoes, shovel in hand out the door I zip to see........


A Furry Ball on top of my Trash.


With a Black Mask.


And a Long Ringed Tail.


Somina Bitch I have a Raccoon now.

A Big, Trash Lovin', Garbage Can Rattling, Inciter of Dog Fits in the O'Dark hours of the night RA-FUCKING-COON.

Crap. Do I know anyone with a Have-a-Heart trap? They are cuter than Soldier Possum. I don't wanna Chop His Head off.

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