9.03.2006

 

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I must be the cruelest bitch ever. I don't have a fucking clue what is wrong with me. My Brother in laws are in town for vacation. It suposed to be fun, right? I like my in-laws. I have fun with them. So why is it I turn into an 'uber Cunt whenever they show up? My poor hubby, I have been treating him so badly. He told me today I have been a "snapping cunt" the past couple of days, and I have. And I don't know how to stop. I know there is a 'root of the problem' somewhere. I kinda sorta think I maybe might know what it is. Whenever they come out we have to go out and see all these people I don't know, and do all this crap outside my comfort zone. And I don't like it. I feel like an outsider. I am not pretty enough, cool enough, in-the-crowd enough. I feel fat. And ugly. And unwanted. And that makes me fight back the only way I know how. I turn mean, like a rabid dog. Throw in beer and I can't seem to shut my mouth from all the cruel things that want to come out. I don't wear make up. I don't Do my hair. I don't dress fashionably. And that makes me feel Less. Less than everyone else. I see all these people our age who have good jobs, and homes, and it makes me feel less. I can't DO all this. I can't be that girl. I never have been that girl. I don't know how to be that girl. I can't lose weight, I drink to much, and I smoke to much. (So yeah, thats a cycle I'm sure) I get depressed because I feel fat, so I sit on the couch and drink and smoke, which in turn makes me fatter. I am uncomfortable in my body. I have no ambition to work out, I don't know how which makes me embarassed to ask someone to show me, which makes me want to drink and smoke. Which in turn makes me fat, and uncomfortable and not want to have sex. Ever. I know there are thing wrong with me. Lots and lots of things. But I don't know what to do. Some days I can't even get up enough energy to do the dishes or wash. I just don't want to. I want to change, but change takes effort and I just don't know if I have it in me. And yea, theres a lot of fear in there too. And my poor husband takes the brunt of this madness in my head. So to him I say I am sorry.

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