How to Almost fall out of bed.

Step 1: Sleep for a minimum of 4 hours with one or both arms thrown above head.

Step 2: Have miserable little dog who growls and has fits if you disturb his beauty sleep. Where-in his chosen sleep station is across your lower legs.

Step 3: Have very loud and annoying alarm clock that starts out with a fairly soft Beep Beep Beep which gets progressively LOUDER.

Step 4: Alarm goes off

Step 5: I sit upright only to learn my left arm no longer works. In fact, it seems it is being eaten by Fire Ants and is refusing to cooperate in any way.

Step 6: Scoot carefully past dog to end of bed.

Step 7: Think to yourself "I can probably use my left arm to prop myself up so as to use my right hand to shut off this God-Awful NOISE!" Thinking might not be your best idea first thing in the morning.

Step 8: Try and prop myself up with my left arm which promptly collapses sending me careening toward the floor.

Step 9: Save yourself by catching your face on the bed. Pout and rub your dead arm.

Step 10: Your husband wakes up momentarily and asks if you are OK. When you reply, No, you are in fact not OK, you find out he doesn't really care. He has gone back to sleep.

Step 11: Lay back down rubbing your dead arm while plotting your husbands death.

Step 12: Start Miserable Day.

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Beef Stew for You.

Well I'm back. I know I took forever to get here. Sorry 'bout that. Anyway today I'm going to give you my recipe for beef stew. It's good. And versatile! You could totally turn it into a pot pie if the idea tickles your funny bone! So lets get started!

I started with a bottom roast. It was pretty! Then I flipped that bitch over and cut off the fatty layer. You wont need it. You can cook it up and give it to the dogs. They love it.

Now I cut it into slabs about a half inch think. Then into half inch chunks.

(Note: I was really inclined to say bite sized pieces. But then I would have to get into the mathematical equation of bite sized. You measure your mouth and divide that in half, or thirds depending on how many flavors you want to put in there all at the same time. In this case it would be thirds. 1/3 for meat, 1/3 for veggies and 1/3 for broth. Just so you know.)

NOW! We stuff all that beautiful meat into a gallon sized zip lock because we are going to marinate it for as much time as we have. I like to do it overnight, but it will work with just a few hours too. It's good like that.

What we will be marinating with is a concoction all my own. You can mix it up however you like. I have been known to throw a little Coca Cola in, or a bottled marinate from the store. What ever makes you happy. Here we are going to use black pepper, Chili Powder for a little heat, Worshireshireshire (I can't spell it let alone say it!) garlic, olive oil and Beer. Any beer you have on hand is good. Or you could substitute Soda. I just like to get it all loosened up in there with some liquids, and also they act as a tenderizer breaking down the nasty old connective tissue that makes meat tough. This ain't no Dinty Moore baby!

So lets start adding!

4 shakes of black pepper (I KNOW! I am so technical right!?!?!)
2 shakes Chili Powder
2 full fork fulls of garlic (3 fresh cloves)
Once around the bag of Olive Oil (1/4 cupish)
15 - 20 shakes of Worshireshireshire, oh fuck it, it's Lee and Perrin's.
and 1 full beer or equivalent of soda

Seal up that Zip lock and give it a shmoosh around to get everything mixed and throw it in the fridge for however long you are going to let it soak.

Go ahead! Sit down! Relax! Have a beer! Call someone and have a nice long chat! Let that marinade do it's stuff.

OK! Now it's time to do the cooking!

Go ahead and cut up your veggies. Whatever you like. (I would also like to draw your eye to that beautiful pice of wood those onions are sitting on. That, my friends is a Genuine Burgoon Cutting Board. This will be the next Boos Board so get yours now! While they are still cheap! Seriously, click the link. Check out his stuff. Very nice.) I usually do Onion (4 or five small ones) and carrot (8 to 10 whole carrots but you could totally use bagged baby carrots) for my fresh veggies. I don't like potatoes in my stew. They get a little grainy for my taste. Now, my dad would say turnips should go in and I say NO. Turnips taste like POISON! But use whatever you like. All your hard veggies should go in with the meat.

I make my Rue first. Go ahead! Make it in the pot you want your Stew in. I melt one stick of butter with a dash of Olive oil then throw in a bunch of flour. You'll know when, it'll look like runny paste. Give it a stir and let it cook up. Then scrape it out into a bowl. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just get most of it. Now, your pan is nice and hot, dump the whole Zip Lock bag of meat and marinade in the pot. Turn the flame to a nice low heat. Toss in the carrot strips and a whole can of Broth (the big can).

Now, you can start to drool. Your house should be smelling wonderful by now! If you are so inclined you can add some fresh herbs at this point. It's totally up to you you can chop them or you can add them on the stem to be removed later. I think I'm going to add some thyme.

And now, we wait. Again. This is a slow cooking meal. I like to make it on a Saturday or Sunday then we can eat left-overs all week! And it doesn't have to be stew every night. Make up some Egg Noodles and throw some of this on top, or over rice is good. You could even throw it in a pie crust and turn it into pot pie if you have a husband who thinks like mine. (He thinks if it's been in the fridge more than 2 days it's poison! He'd never have made it where I grew up!)

Now it's almost done. Go ahead and mix in your Rue and stir it until you are sure that it's all dissolved. No biscuits here! I threw in a can of Green Beans, a package of peas and a package of corn. Give it another good stir, pop the lid on that bad boy and let it simmer for another 20 minutes.

Now go ahead and call "Soups On!" and butter your rolls cuz you are ready to eat! Watch your mouth! This is hot right out of the pot. I burned the shit out of my mouth.

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Go here. Buy one of these.

The finest cutting board I have ever used.


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