Good Morning! Good Mornig! It's time to start your Day!
The Capt: honi...... honi....
Me: Hmmm... what?
The Capt: It's twenty after 6....
The Capt: The alarm didn't go off...
Me: Thats because it's set for 6:30...
The Capt: Aaaarrrrrrrgggggggg *tear sob hate* (while thrashing your legs about tantrum style)
So it's all good right?
Hi honey it's Daaaaaaave...
It's very weird considering he grew up in Philly.
At one shop in the inner ghetto (where we had to be buzzed in because, hello, some one might kill them) I also met a guy who's eye leak. All the time. For no discernible reason. He must be REALLY sad. And one of the owners of the shop has ears so big he might just fly away like Sally Fields in the Flying Nun if a stiff wind came along. I am not even kidding, just wait, I'll get pics. I saw lesbians working on cars, a itty bitty skinny guy with a gun stuffed into his waist band, homeless people wandering aimlessly, and several Korean shops where it was more difficult to understand them in person than on the phone! It was a fun day. We got done around 4:30, and I had/have a raging headache. we'll see how this goes, and hopefully, now that I'll be driving around the city I'll get some really cool pics, and I know I'll have some awesome stories. Just hang in there with me for a bit, my life can only be boring for so long....
OH!! MY!!! GAWD!!!
HI HA HA HA, HOW ARE YOU TODAY???
I got to work, walked out to the warehouse and the warehouse manager informs me Mr. Loudtalker (the new guy) is 'cataloging' the part numbers because they aren't what he's used to. Good initiative right? Riiiiggghhhhttttt.
I sit down at my desk, start turning stuff on, making coffee and here comes Mr. Loudtalker.
Mr. LT: HI!!! HI!! YOU REMEMBER ME RIGHT? MR. LT? (shakes my hand again, and let me say this, clammy slimy fuckin hands man) HA HA HA, I WAS JUST IN THE WAREHOUSE.
Me: Yep. That's you desk, there.... * sweet sugar coated jeeeezus it's to early for this*
Mr. LT: HA HA HA HA, SO IF I HIT THE F4 BUTTON WHAT DOES IT DO? WHAT HAPPENS IF I NEED SOMETHING? SO HOW DO I SIGN IN? HA HA HA
So I go show him how to sign in, get him all set up and appraised of what happens when the phone rings, what his responsibilities are. No problem. His very first phone call
Mr. LT: HI, TIMOTHY AUTO SUPPLY, THIS IS MR. LT HA HA HA WHAT CAN I DO FOR YA??
RIGHT, RIGHT, HA HA HA. YEAH I KNOW. SURE.
SURE THING PAL. SEE YA. HA HA HA.
Now my skin is starting to crawl and my ears might have been bleeding a little. And I might be just a little too hung over to listen to a loud talker all day. Around 1:30 we got really busy. There are only 3 of us and 16 phone lines. We're all jammin along, all of us on the phone talking to a customer, he answers a phone call, turns to us and says
"HEY, DID ONE OF YOU GUYS TALK TO SO AND SO'S AUTO REPAIR ABOUT BALL JOINTS FOR AN F150??"
Like it was necessary to yell across a 10 foot room. I dropped my phone from my ear and said
"You *do* know this room isn't that big? You don't *really* need to yell."
"HA HA HA SORRY."
Finally, at the end of the day we're sitting around talking. He tells us all kinds of personal shit and random bits we don't need to know. Examples:
I AM NOT REAL GOOD WITH HOUSE REPAIRS
IN THE SUMMER I WORK OUT BECAUSE I LIKE TO WALK AROUND WITH MY SHIRT OFF.
I CAN'T COOK. WHAT SHOULD I COOK TONIGHT FOR DINNER??
HA HA, TOMORROW I SHOULD HAVE MORE ENERGY, I'LL GET A GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP TONIGHT.
*I actually, at this point, suggested he take some kind of depressant because he is very loud and if he became any more exuberant I might just have to de-squeak him like they do dogs. He said to me
HUH, I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE, AM I TOO LOUD???
And my personal Fav:
YEAH.............. LIKE I TOLD MR. BOSSMAN I HAVE BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW. IT'S GOOD. GOOD. I HAVE TO FIND OTHER THINGS TO DO. I LIKE TO GO TO KARAOKE NIGHT. AND I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN COFFEE HOUSES. YEAHHH........
Thank GAWD I will not be in this building much longer. I might have to drive him back to drinking......
Well kids, it's official!
You can call me Dr. Doolittle
Lil'old lady: You own him?
Me: Ahh, no but he's beautiful... (exit the house)
Lil'old Lady: Oh.... I tell him to go home and he come here. You know him? He come to my yard and I don know what to do with him.
Me: I have no idea who he is! (at which point he was trying to pull this tiny lady off my porch and I grab his leash which OBVIOUSLY means I now take responsibility for this mammoth dog)
Lil'old Lady: Ah, you take to pound for me? He too big for me.....
Me: Ah, no. Hey honey, can you call the SPCA? Or 911 or something? We can't let him run around free, he'll get squished.
The Capt: Ok, I called the SPCA, there was an emergency number and I called that too. no one answered.
Me: Can you call the Police Department?
The Capt: (slams door)
Lil'old Lady: I can't let him in my house, I have 4 cats and birds. What kind of dog do you have, a Yorkie? Will you stay with him? I need to go home.
Me: Um..... ok.......
The Capt: Ok, give me the dog. Go get whatever you need to to stay out here with the dog until the cops show up. I can't believe you did this, why do you always do this?
So anyway, the cops finally came and took this great behemoth to the SPCA to be scanned for a microchip. I hope his owners find him and get him a bigger collar so he can't escape again. I'd have happily kept him if I knew he wouldn't have eaten my lil'dog. but that was the highlight of my weekend. I kinda secretly hope he comes back to hang out.
Ahhh... yeah bitches. I'm a consumer!
I might have peed a little from excitement.
Step 3: Your credit/debit card has been successfully charged. Please note that you may no longer make changes to your order.
SHIPPED!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! My brain! She melts with excitement!
A Tale Of Liquidous Assholous....
On a lighter note, Friday afternoon I'm working in the warehouse and I have a fill in driver. I didn't know he was working to 5:30. The Driver will be henceforth known as Rico Suave. I think he's Armenian. Our conversation goes like this:
Me: (Walking towards Rico Suave)Oh, hey, you're back. Great. You can make this last delivery for me. (Stop walking now due to immense stink cloud I just walked into) *GAG*
Rico: Yes. But.. I must go to bathroom first. Might be awhile....
Me: Fine. *GAG* Whatever. Don't throw your underwear in the trash.
(He went to the bathroom, came back and took the delivery)
So I'm standing at the desk flipping through the paper when he comes back. He saunters over to my desk and leans jauntily on the edge
Rico: So? You no know who I am, eh? Now you know, I am your 5:30 guy... (giant toothy grin)
Me: Yep, now I know.
And he just stands there leaning oh so casually on the edge of my desk with his giant toothy grin staring at me while I try desperately not to look at him. Eventually he saunters away every so often turning and looking at me. And I swear this part is the gods honest truth, it was like he was posing for me. He would stop, look at me and pose. It was like a living Zoolander. I have never been so glad to leave work.
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