No Kids, No Life, Just a Wife

I come home last Thursday evening to find The Capt. incapacitated on the couch looking like someone took a large piece of charcoal to his under eyes. He says he doesn't feel good, he's got tummy yuckies. Which, to be honest? Not usually that big of a deal. His gastrointestinal tract is as delicate as a Touch-Me-Not flower. So we're sitting around watching AI and all the sudden this look of fear, pain, and sphincter clenching crosses his face and he bolts for the bathroom. You need to know we do not have an exhaust fan in the bathroom and the smell that followed him out of the bathroom made my eyes water it was so horrifying. He comes out of the bathroom pale and sweating, "There's something wrong with me" Just think of the scene in the movie 'Deamcatcher' where the critter explodes out of the guys ass, you'll have an idea of the situation then. So he spent the night on the couch because it's nearer to the bathroom and there would be less chance he'd soil my bed and his undershorts. He did finally come into bed around 5:30am, but he whimpered like a dog who's been beat in his sleep. (He told me Saturday he actually thought he might die that night and seriously considered calling for me while he was shitting and trying not to fall asleep so I could make sure he didn't die.) So I got up for work, brought him some water, ginger ale and Gatorade and left for work. When I got home at 5:30 I swear to god he hadn't moved all day. He was still in bed and he looked like someone had wrung all the water out of him and hung him up to dry. Even now he is still not OK, he's not shitting compulsively anymore but his system still isn't perfect. I did catch him yesterday sitting on the couch watching TV and all the sudden he sat straight up, eyes wide with a perfect 'O' mouth and shot off to the bathroom. I am kinda jealous of him, he lost like 15 lbs just being sick.

On a lighter note, Friday afternoon I'm working in the warehouse and I have a fill in driver. I didn't know he was working to 5:30. The Driver will be henceforth known as Rico Suave. I think he's Armenian. Our conversation goes like this:

Me: (Walking towards Rico Suave)Oh, hey, you're back. Great. You can make this last delivery for me. (Stop walking now due to immense stink cloud I just walked into) *GAG*

Rico: Yes. But.. I must go to bathroom first. Might be awhile....

Me: Fine. *GAG* Whatever. Don't throw your underwear in the trash.

(He went to the bathroom, came back and took the delivery)

So I'm standing at the desk flipping through the paper when he comes back. He saunters over to my desk and leans jauntily on the edge

Rico: So? You no know who I am, eh? Now you know, I am your 5:30 guy... (giant toothy grin)

Me: Yep, now I know.

And he just stands there leaning oh so casually on the edge of my desk with his giant toothy grin staring at me while I try desperately not to look at him. Eventually he saunters away every so often turning and looking at me. And I swear this part is the gods honest truth, it was like he was posing for me. He would stop, look at me and pose. It was like a living Zoolander. I have never been so glad to leave work.