No Kids, No Life, Just a Wife

Like the unerring asshole I am I decided to go shopping at our local crafty shit store Michaels on Saturday. Let me just say this. STOOPID! There was a traffic jam at the door because no one can carry 3 balls of yarn and a 6 foot piece of garland without possibly herniating a disk. I mean lord knows, those pretty glass ball ornaments must weigh all of .03587612 lbs! As I'm winding my way through this traffic clusterfuck a woman approaches me. Let me give you the first of many stoopid conversations I had that day.

Me: *grumble grumble stupid fuckers, stop hitting me with that cart before I shove it up your fat ass stoopid*

Pretty Yuppie Lady: Um, Excuse me?? EXCUSE ME??!??!!

Me: Who?? Me?

Pretty Yuppie Lady: Yes, can you tell me where those little hanger things are for ornaments? I have been all over your store and I can't find them anywhere. What DO your employees do? ANYTHING??

Me: Excuse me? I don't work here. I can't imagine what might have made you think I work here?! Is it my ORANGE shirt, while miraculously all of the staff is wearing BRITE FUCKING RED APRONS???

She ran away. Quickly.

After fighting MORTAL COMBAT * hear music here* style through he throngs of disgruntled, 'I am the only person who is important' people I finally made my way back to the yarn isle. As I peruse through the many colors and textures I hear yet another....

Lil'Old Black Lady: Excuse me?

Me: *Oh shit* Yes?

Lil'Old Black Lady: Are you a Colors girl?
*What I heard was "Are you a ColorED girl"*

Me: *Blank Stare of total and utter confusion* Excuse me?

Lil'Old Black Lady: I mean do you know your colors? What goes with what?

I spent 30 minutes with this lady trying to help her find two colors that matched well enough to make a scarf, which is ok. I don't truly mind helping, but then she follows up this half an hour of 'help' with this

Lil'Old Black Lady: Do you think you could help my friend too?

Me: UUUUuuuuuhhhhmmm......... Sure I guess I could try...........

So it looks like I shall be The Good Elf Helps A lot this Christmas season. I might just barricade myself in my house after all!