No Kids, No Life, Just a Wife

The Capt. came home early from training last night and I was all WOOT! Teh Sex tonight Beee-bee!! As we were relaxing and discussing the horribleness that is work I casually asked him

Me: Hey! You think maybe you'd like to have the sex with me tonight or are ya too sore?

The Capt: Well.... Jeez...... when you put it that way it doesn't sound too enticing. Like you're not really into it..... (they don't make a button that looks whiney instead of bold or italics)

Me: Oh *embarrassment* Well......... I was just asking because you have been training so hard and I'll need to shower and shave and stuff.......

(at this point I feel like the WORST WIFE EVER)

The Capt: Well, it didn't used to be like this. It was more spontaneous...... not scheduled.....

Me: Well, would it help if I put it in my mouth?

The Capt: Yeah..... (the whiney button again)

*and he prepares for bed*

I grab a towel and head off to the shower.

The Capt: Oh, and I just took a melatonin pill sooo....

Me: I'd better hurry huh?

Now, as I was showering to get all nice and smell good for Mah Man it occurred to me the way he initiates The S-E-X isn't exactly like the way it was in the beginning either. Why should I feel bad? He should feel just as bad, the little manipulator! I usually get one of 3 initiators.

1. a text message asking for me to
a. Take the 'Snake' out when he gets home
b. Put it in my mouth or he will smack me in the face with it
c. Touch it or he will wait until I am asleep and then make me touch it.

2. Or he will hint at it all night when he gets home Example: Hey, what are ya doing over there? You're not using your hands are ya.......

3. Or he waits until I am asleep and tries to wake me up for it. Under no circumstances am I to be woken ever. I don't preform well when woken.

So the next time he complains about me being to scheduled I will just remind him he isn't exactly Sweeping Me Off My Feet when he wiggles it in my face.

And that I SAVED him from the Spider that tried to Suck His Very Life Blood while I was trying to wake him up enough to have sex with me.

Lesbian Mechanic: Hi laundry Broad, what's up? I need an oil filter for a '07 H3.

Me: Ok, oh, yeah I got it.

LM: What kind of synthetic oil do you have?

Me: Um.... lets see, I've got 5w30...

LM: I don't even know how many quarts I need...

Me: Man I hate those cars, too flashy, and show-y off-y....

LM: Hey now! That's my Girlfriends car....

Me: Fuck, you're going to beat me up now aren't you?

I'm going to get beat up and possibly cut by my Puerto Rican Lesbian Mechanic Friend.


Open mouth.... insert foot.

Alright men! Due to the fierce Nor'Easter it has driven our Arch Enemy THE ANT into our territory, Glensidelania. We must defend the Home Territory. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT???

ERADICATE THE ENEMY MA'AM!

Thanks right men. First we need to form our strategy:
We track the bastards back to their home base.

Private Speck: Commander, Ma'am! The have originated on the exterior wall under the base board radiator.


Good Work Private. Now, Where are they going? Whats their plan of attack???

Private Catsy: Commander! They seem to be headed toward the Master Quarters to retrieve Dog Food Rations (and crumbs!) Private Speck has hidden under the bed.

Excellent work Private Catsy. Private Speck, wee SHALL discuss this later.

WEWEASE THE SEQWET WEPOOOOOONNNNNN!!! (Thank you An American Tale)

Privates Speck and Catsy: Commander. What's the secrete weapon.

The most dreaded weapon in all of Glensidelania....... The EUREKA!


Private Speck and Catsy: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! It does irreparable damage to the troops Commander! We cannot tolerate it! It drives the troops to fits of Barking! And Hiding under various pieces of Furniture! Please Commander! Say there's another way!

I'm afraid not troops. We must use the EUREKA to eradicate the enemies behind the lines and remove the Precious! Rations! currently stored under the bed in the Masters Quarters. Also, as a second line of defense we shall also be using Raid Brand Ant Napalm. It won't be enough to use the secret weapon men, we're going to have to eradicate them behind the lines. We must crush the invasion and return Glensidelania to her former peaceful self.

OK TROOPS! YOU HAVE YOUR ORDERS!!

PRIVATE SPECK! START BARKING AT THE RELEASE OF THE SECRETE WEAPON!!

PRIVATE CATSY! YOU'RE ORDERS ARE TWO FOLD! YOU ARE TO BAT PLAYFULLY AT THE ENEMY BUT AS SOON AS THE SECRETE WEAPON IS RELEASED YOU ARE TO RUN! AND HIDE! UNDER ANY AVAILABLE PIECE OF FURNITURE! BE FOREWARNED! THERE MAY NEED TO BE THE USE OF EXTREME AND DEADLY HISSING AND POSSIBLY EVEN SPITTING!!

NOW GET TO IT MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Labels: Now what

Ok, So I'm back at work, doing the old crappy job still. We had a Elvis impersonator come in today and apply for my job. Uhuuh huh. Who knows, he seemed more normal than Mr. LoudTalker. Which, ah, a Elvis Impersonator more normal than him? Soooo sad for him. Freak.


And the Imus thing? WHEN WILL THIS BE DONE??? Sweet baby Jeebus I am so tired of hearing about this 'Nappy headed ho' bull shit. So he said something racially charged. Big Fucking Deal! Isn't that his job? CHRIST SAKES PEOPLE! He's allowed to have his opinion. Free speech and all. I don't like what he said. I wouldn't have said it. And they are bringing in Rappers. Oooo! The controversy! But Rappers say the super secret 'N-word'. Its all crap. They can say it because they are black, or grew up (eminem) in that life style. The don't mean it like White people do. BLAH BLAH BLAH. White racism is different than black racism. I call Bull Shit. Until we educate ALL PEOPLE this kind of crap will go on. The shootings in Philly have already exceeded 100 this year. It Sucks. It sucks the big one that I can't go down the city without wondering if I'll get shot. It sucks that 5 minutes form my Home there are shootings EVERYDAY. (Ah, crap, I'm on a rant aren't I)

Anyway, Please people. lets stop all this silly bullshit and get back to the important things in life already. Like Money. And Celebrity Gossip. Please Paris, do something stupid so Calgon can take me away as I read those trash mags.......

Labels: fuck already

So I have this GREAT! NEW! JOB! and already I am completely annoyed. Not only do I have no time to blog, because I spend all night catching up on the reading I missed all day, but I have no good stories yet. I met the Russian mafia today on Bustleton, but on one cares (cuz really, not that interesting). And also! the fucktards I work with have decided my first week out by myself should be the week they all have court dates for child support and other drug related issues, or they are Sick, whaaaaa whaaaa bitches. So I have spent more time covering in the store than doing my GREAT! NEW! JOB! Thank god they are still paying me for it.

I swear! I Pinky Swear this will get more interesting. In the mean time, go here and read these things. They are fun. (And I guess creating a hyperlink is out of the question for me today. Cut and paste bitches.)

http://truewifeconfessions.blogspot.com/index.html

http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/

Plus, I may have ordered NEW! COLORS! for my hair. Stay tuned!