No Kids, No Life, Just a Wife

I guess it's a running trend with my life right now, God hates me. For example: Saturday morning The Capt. had a Tourny in wayne NJ. Doo dee doo, he's driving up there on a big 6 lane highway, exceeding the speedlimit I am sure, and of course he is in the everyone go super fast lane. OOops! Someone cuts in front of him, which causes him to jerk the steering wheel to the left, which causes the truck to hit the guard rail, which causes the truck to act like a pin ball and skip across the SIX lanes of traffic. He turned the bumper into ground chuck and shredded the tire. You see the cause and effect here right? It cost him $60 to get the tire changed, and he continued on his way. He did take 3rd place in the tounry, so WOOT! I am happy about that, but OH.MY.GAWD! YOU.WRECKED.OUR.TRUCK! So, not so happy about that. Then Sunday, we're just sitting at home watchin bad TV, although great 80's horror flick were on. We were staying in due to the HIGH FRIGGIN WIND. All the sudden I hear *creeeeekkkkk.... CRACK crunch crunchcrunch* I look out my window and Oh Yay, the top half of one of my soft maple trees is now horozontal providing a nice bridge for the squirrels between the trees. Oh nice. I was kinda hoping the wind would finish knocking it out of my tree, but no such luck kiddies. So now I have to figure out a way to get this giant tree top out of my tree with little to no damage to me or my property. WOOT!!! My life.... she rockth the houseth!

I written about this in the past, and I shall do so again. My Post Office is trying to kill me. Serously! They are out to get me! On my particular route I have no set carrier. Which mean I occasionally get a carrier who can not read. I get mail for my neighbors, people who live 15 streets over, basically I get mail for anyone who doesn't happen to live at my address. I missed a payment on The Capt.'s truck because I got no bill. So I didn't pay it. Not to make you think I am Interweb handicapped but I like to have my paper bills, even if I choose to pay it online. At which point our intrest rate went up. Ok, not fair right? Just because the USPS has decided to hire people who obviously can not read I should pay the price? I went online and did what any good interweb capable person should do, I filed a letter of Complaint on their webpage. They called me, we discussed the ramifications of Non-Delivered mail blah blah blah, I still do not get my mail in a timely or orderly fashion. Then yesterday I opened my mail box to find this months truck payment.. Opened... and Re-delivered...to me.... can anyone say Identity theft?? Or stupid fucks who deliver my mail should die a long slow painful death choking on dirty dog dick? So kiddies, I am being Pro-Active. I emailed yet another complaint to USPS.com, called my local Post office and filed a complaint, wrote to my Postmaster General, wrote to my local government representative, got a copy of the route my Postal Fuck-Up takes and made a flyer with all the information to complain to the right people and I will be flyering all the houses on said Postal Fuck-Up's route. Think I'll get any results?

Ok, so last week I tried to mow my yard.. My lawn mower looked at me and said quite clearly, "Fuck you." I figured it was the spark plug, I had had spark problems with it before and not knowing when it was last serviced it seemed the logical conclusion. I pulled the plug and decided I'd get a new one later. Fast forward almost a week later. I finally managed to get a plug this past Saturday. I gaped it, screwed it in, hooked the plug wire back up, primed it and pulled the string expecting to hear the sweet purr of the lawn mower. Fuck, I got nothin. Ok, do a little more maintenance, air filter, clean it up, pull the string??? NOTHING. Fuck, now I'm pissed. I do some calling around, all the lawn mower repair shops are closed, so I call some lawn mowing services, because seriously? My lawn NEEDS to be mowed. Badly. Guess what? They're all closed too. Double Fuck. Nothing I can do over the weekend. This morning I called my local repair shop. He's backed up for at least 2 weeks. Lawn mowing services? Already over booked. Great. I can see it now, I'm going to be cutting my grass with shears.
Second great thing that happened to me within the last week? The Capt. was playing with the dog Friday night and found something on his ear. I glanced at it "Looks like a skintag". No biggie right? WRONG!! I got up this morning and took him out and Oh My GAWD! It is engorged with blood or puss or something. Race back in the house and yet another Oh My GAWD! It's a tick! A TICK! On my DOG! CALL 911!! Get an Ambulance!! Get the emergency Vet! Someone! Call Cesar Milan! Because it's my fault! I have been to busy (lazy) to go to the vets office to get his Revolution prescription. (Read here: ASSHOLE) I called my Vet's office, made an appointment for tonight to have the tick (OMG! A TICK) removed, and found a car mechanic who will look at my lawn mower (because ticks live in long grass, so again, my fault the dog has a tick because I haven't mowed, because I can't). So today I get to take my lunch, run home and stuff my lawn mower into my Ford Focus, drop it off at the mechanic, run back to work, work until 5:30, run back down to the mechanic and pick up my lawn mower (if he can fix it), run home and grab the tick dog race to the vets office, have it removed while they look at me disapprovingly for not taking better care of my dog, pay my million dollar bill for said dog, and race home and try and mow my yard in the dark. That says nothing for eating dinner, cleaning my house or doing laundry. My god, I think my brains might just melt out of my ears today.

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The TICK! It Fell OFF!

So, ok in highschool (circa 1997) I weight 103lbs. Not bad right? But I didn't Drink, Eat more than 1 meal a day and walked everywhere because I had no car. I was a lean, mean thin machine. Then came college, and booze, and sleeping and doing nothing. The freshman 10? Yeah, more than that. Then, I bombed out of school (cuz of that whole not going to class thing) and The Capt. and I moved back to my home town. Maybe, in retrospect, not such a good idea. If you know anything about small towns you know there is never anything to do. Ever. Except for drink. So thats what I did. ALOT. It got to the point I could drink 20ish of a 30 pack a night. That took 5 good years of training to accomplish. What I didn't count on though is the fact while I was drinking away my misery I.BLEW.THE.FUCK.UP. I ended up a whopping 160lbs and in a size 13. Yes, I cried alot. Ten jeans sizes is enough to send you to the darkest pits of the blackest hell of depression. And so I drank more. Family vacation to Cancun? Yeah, not so much fun that year. Long story short, Fatty Mc Fatfat? Yep, that was me. Then, we finally decided to move out of Smallville and back to The Capt.'s hometown outside of Philly. Into his Parents house. For six months while I helped remodel the duplex his parents bought. Every day I went to work for 9 hours, ran home, ate and ran to the duplex to work until 9 or 10 at night. Work was not easy, I ran around carrying heavy shit, two 40 lb rotors and brakes and I was tired when I got home, but if I didn't finish the duplex I was NEVER moving out of the in-laws house. I didn't drink during the week, I was too tired, and I was too broke to buy soda so I drank water. And I didn't eat breakfast or lunch. The weight started to melt off. I got down to around 115lbs, which while not 103lbs, was WAY better than 160lbs! Say yay! Except I wasn't losing the weight the right way. Starving myself is not the right way to lose weight, right? Except it IS the easy way. It is way easier than, say, working out and eating small balanced meals. But I was THIN! AND PRETTY! AND HUNGRY! Now, it's been 2 years since we moved into the duplex and I am still thin(ish), and hungry. I am by nature a binge eater. When I am hungry? OMG! MOVE ALREADY! I NEED FOOD! And it's usually the most calorie laden, carbohydrated stuff I can get my hands on because my body is telling my brain to "eat! eat! eat! as much crap as you can to store up fat because she serously might never feed us again!" So as you may have guessed my body is now rebeling against me. I am getting fat again and I can not stop it unless, OMG! I work out and eat right. Which I am not so much into, because that's work and stuff. Or I just stop eating all together, which to my addled little brain sound way easier than doing it the right way. ( Not to mention then I would totally have to tell The Capt. he was right. Not so much into that either.) *sigh* I guess I'm going to have to diet and only eat chicken and tuna again, and maybe, while no one is home work out. But I'll never admit it. Because The Capt., he can't ever know he was right. EVER.

Ah, I've been compiling data for this entry for awhile now. Stupidity is a prevailing trait in our society anymore. Read on and understand more.

Case 1.
Where I work we subcontract drivers to deliver parts. We had a girl, known here after as 'Beyonce', who delivered car parts in her 2005 BMW Kompressor. Being the smart thing she was she was delivering a part in a particularly enjoyable part of the city and she parked her BMW on the street and left it running with her 2 coach purses, 2 cell phones her credit cards and cash. Can we all guess what happened next? She came out of the shop and "OH.MY.GOD. MY CAR!! MYCARISGONE!!" She ran back into the shop crying someone stole her car and they preceded to laugh at her. I did too. I wouldn't leave my Focus running and unlocked down there let alone a BMW. The thief ran up $200 in gas on her credit card and threw all her stuff away. (Case 2 is involved in Case 1) The thief apparently thought he was sooooo good he'd never get caught with this stolen BMW, he stole someone else plates put all his own stuff in the car and drove around with it for 2 weeks before he got caught. 'Beyonce' did get her car back and a lesson was learned.

Never be complacent about you car and belongings. Someone could take them away from you at any time!

Case 3.
Yet another driver of mine, here after known as Abercrombie and Fitch, has a light blue 2006 Lincoln LS. He was in the habit of leaving his windows down and cell phone in his car in our parking lot. Well, one day last week we had a retail customer, something that almost never happens. She brought her 15 year old nephew. While she was in the store her nephew was wandering the parking lot apparently looking for goods to pilfer. Low and behold, "I spy with my little eye" A&F's car open and a nice new cell phone in the cupholder. He swiped that shit lickety split and together they rushed out of the parking lot. (Yet again Case 4 is involved with Case 3!)
Unbeknownst to the Aunty, a piece of very important paper fell out of her car between pilferage and lickety slpitage. This paper had her welfare information, name, work and home numbers and address! Our little A&F put on his super detective decoder ring and tracked this family down! It took some lying on his part but eventually convinced said pilfering family that he was a good Samaritan and simply wanted to return this very important paper (and non exsistant money's he'd convinced them had fallen out with this paper.) He drove to their home where he met with the Matriarch of the family, the grandmother to this pilfering teen. he then explained what had happened. Minute by minute the Matriarch got angrier and angrier, she called the pilfering teen and retrieved the stolen Cell phone. A&F got his cell phone back and learned the same lesson as "Beyonce'.

YOU NEED TO WATCH YOUR SHIT OR SOMEONE WILL TAKE IT FROM YOU!

So kiddies, I hope today's lessons have taught you something and be on the look out for Episode 2! Stupid People RULE THE WORLD!!!

And this is the only place I will be able to EVER say it. The Capt.? Yeah, his spirits are totally crushed right now. A little back story, you ask? Certainly! Six months ago The Capt. bought a 2003 Ford Ranger. Stick. No Air Conditioning. I wasn't a fan. A month ago The Capt. quit his retail job and took a factory job to get better hours. With a considerable pay cut. I was fine with that. I actually liked it. His Ju Jitsu training is more important, it's what he wants to do with his life. He wants to own a school and teach people mixed martial arts. And, he's good at it. So, anywhoo, a week after he starts his new factory job his old retail District Dick called him up, offered him a store (the one he wanted to begin with) and $38,500. A considerable raise even before the considerable pay cut. Being the manipulative little shit he is he asked for $42,000. In the end he got $40,000. Lets all take a moment and say WOOT!!!!. Yes ma'am I was friggin excited. That means I get to have heat this winter! So, the Capt. quit his factory job and went back to retail hell, but at least he's sorta kinda a little bit in charge. The Capt. promised himself a NEW (as in brand spankin') car of his choice. He decided he wanted a Jeep Wrangler. (For all of you who have ever taken a long trip in one of these fuckin haywagons I did fall to the floor screaming and writhing in pain screaming NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!) He did all the research, found the JEEP he wanted, found a dealership and paid them a visit. We had decided we can afford around $330 a month and still put away money for a house (which is what I want). The Capt. goes to the dealership and is presented with a package that puts him at $450 a month. *Screaming hate fire from the eyes ensues* The salesman tells him they will only give him $2,000 as his trade in on the truck that we currently owe $8,000 on. Begin the crushing of spirits. They bantered for about 2 hours before The Capt. became so incensed he might have considered breaking appendages. Fast forward a bit to when I arrive home from my crappy job. When I walked into the house I was faces with a 29 year old 2 year old who didn't get the candy he wanted. The disappointment and hatred could be tasted in the air. So now I am living with pouting and upsetness. I understand. I do. But every time I open my mouth I have to snap it shut like a pittbull on a steak so the "I TOLD YOU NOT TO BUY THAT STUPID TRUCK" doesn't just tumble haphazardly out of my mouth. Cuz' seriously, he might cry.

Fall has fallen upon us once again and all I can say is NNnnnoooooooo!!! Shit! Fuckin' damnit all to hell with the ever looming possablility of snow! It's not yet Halloween! Or Thanksgiving! Please please please can't it be at least 70 until Christmas? *Waaahhhhh* You see, from approximately August 31 until July 4th I am cold. Not chilly, not lets go get a sweater, all out balls to the wall 'could someone please set me on fire because I think my blood has frost bite' cold. My hands swell and shrink, turn many lovely shades of pale translucent and blue, sometimes a nice violet too. I can tell you the exact minute it will rain/hail/sleet/snow/drop a degree because my hands stop functioning and turn into little crippled balls of hate on the end of my wrists. I think I am destined for a lovely debilitating arthritis as I continue to age. Won't that be swell? And to all of you who thing we need the Air Conditioning turned down to 54 in the summer, I hope freeze to death. When I have to bring 3 extra articles of clothing to work so I don't bite my own tongue off chattering and shivering because it's 54 degrees in here, IT'S TOO COLD. I don't understand, we live in Pennsylvania. We have snow 75% of the year. WHY can't you people enjoy the heat while it's here? The fond memories of sitting at home sweating during the summer months is what keeps me from trying to skin you and make a coat from your scalps during the winter.

Ah, fuck, I'm turning the heat up.

Well kids, it's been hard to find something funny, or entertaining to write about since Frank. Although his funeral service was lovely. There were so many people there it was standing room only. On the upside, I got to go home and see my family this past weekend and both my sisters (and 1 soon to be brother in law) managed to make it up too. This only happens once in a blue moon. Not even on holidays can we all manage to make it home at the same time. I never imagined as I was growing up that it'd be so hard to get everyone together at the same time, but I never knew the familial obligations that would be put on me when I got married. I totally blocked out the idea that there would be another family that would want THEIR child at home for the holidays too, and in my case there are two sets of In-Laws to cater too. And now, my sister is getting married so now she'll have extra people to cater too! It was a great weekend though. We sat around and drank beer, and told horrible jokes (does anyone else's family in the world talk about peoples Uteruses falling out I wonder?), reminisced about when we were kids, and visited with family and friends. I annoyed the shit out of my family taking pictures of their eye-balls, (yes, I am currently obsessed with eye-ball pictures). My uncle, Walker, Texas Ranger, stopped over with his kid and visited for a while. All in all it was a great weekend, All-be-it friggin cold! The trees have started to change and it's just beautiful up there. Going home sometimes feels like going back in time, the smell of wood smoke and burning leaves takes me back to when I was a kid walking home with my sisters after school. It was a flash back weekend for me. What triggers your memories from childhood?