1.29.2007
She looked like Madonna, but not really.....
So, Saturday night we took a stroll over to our local watering hole to meet up with some friends. As it turns out, we got more than we bargained for. It was a night worth remembering! We walked in around 9 and sat in our usual seats at the end of the bar where the waitresses and bartenders hang out. There were a few people we knew hanging around, and we were chatting away having a grand ol'time right up until we hear this. We'll call this woman Madonna, you'll see why soon enough.
Madonna: "We've been hear since 4. I'm druuuunk. I can still understand what you're saying though. Ya know what I mean? I'm not to that point yet."
The Capt. turns and looks at me with that cocked eyebrow look that says 'This could go real good, or real bad'. The things that came out of her drunk mouth were absolutely HYSTERICAL. It went a little something like this....
Capt: Oh yeah? But you're not to the point where you need to go home huh?
Madonna: Oh no. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle my beer...
Capt: Well, that's good.
Madonna: I grew up in P.R. I used to think I looked like Madonna. But I didn't really, I only thought I did. Wait I have pictures....
The Hippie (our bar tender friend): You better watch your self Capt. She's a spit fire..
Madonna: Yeah, I'm a Spic farm.
Me, The Capt. and The Hippie: What???? What did you just say????
Madonna: Yeah I'm a Spic Farm...
(At which point we all dissolved into hysterical laughter, I might have peed a little from that.)
Madonna: You have to watch yourself. Us Puerto Rican girls, we'll cut you... Here's the pictures! I thought I looked like Madonna and I was skinny but really I was chubby.
The Capt: LOOK HOW BIG YOUR HAIR WAS!
Madonna: I know right?? I wore the stretchy pants, ya know, the stretchy pants? You know what I mean?? And look in that picture, at the door. In P.R. we didn't have door knobs, we used a butter knife. And in this picture you can see our driveway. That was our neighbors house and that was our driveway. That Fucking Bitch was a Fucking Asshole....
I think we left at 11. Madonna and her Hubs were still there telling stories and being a spic farm........
1.26.2007
I just don't know what to do....
Well, I am lost. Screwed. And tattooed. They story goes like this. We hired a friend of mine (at my recommendation), here after known as The Parts Nazi, to dispatch drivers. Not a particularly difficult job. Of course he's 22 years old (and doesn't drive), which might be a bit young for a management position. Yeas, we hired him to direct drivers and he doesn't drive, I KNOW! He's been working with me for maybe 6 months. He's a good kid, works hard and best of all, shows up every day (albeit, stone to the gills). Withing the last month he has turned into a complete and utter hard ass. For no apparent reason other than the fact he has Power now. POWER! MWHAHAHAHAHA! The first time I said something to him he reacted defensively. I even tried to be very diplomatic about it because we are friends and I would think it would be easier coming from a friend rather than reprimanded by a 'boss'. I must have been wrong wrong wrong. He chased me into the office and yelled at me not to embarrass him in front of the drivers, he's there boss "especially when I'm OBVIOUSLY WONG" OH, hold the fuck up young man. I turned to him and explained to him I am the one with the car, I am the one who drives and I, MORE LIKELY THAN NOT, AM RIGHT! He did pout a few days over that one.
The next incident came a few weeks later. He forced a driver to take something and drop it off on the way home, on their own time. This is not cool. You can ASK the drivers to drop things off on their way home, which if you're nice to them they will do. You can offer them overtime if it's really far out of their way. But forcing them under threat of unemployment is not cool. As it happens, I was having a party that weekend and he was invited. We had a nice little chat about how to treat the drivers and what is ok and what isn't cool. I thought everything was A-OK after that. Once again, WRONG.
Today I had one of my female drivers (there are only 2) come to me crying because The Parts Nazi screamed at her in front of everyone (not cool), cursed at her (not cool), and treated her like a child because he thinks she did something wrong. Which really she was following the directions she got when she was hired and he just doesn't remember what he said. I said something to our Accounting/HR/do everything cuz she's the bosses daughter in law again, but no one will say anything because it's so hard to get anyone to actually WORK at work anymore. So, then it's left up to me. If I talk to him again it's going to turn into a blow out when I explain to him Yes, I am your fucking boss and you no longer have the right to do the things you are doing because I FUCKING SAID SO BITCH. Or, if I don't, we lose good drivers because they will quit, which it's equally hard to find good drivers. None of the upper management wants anything to do with this and I don't know where to go with it. Anyone have any advice?
I might have to hit him with a bag of hot nickles.....
The next incident came a few weeks later. He forced a driver to take something and drop it off on the way home, on their own time. This is not cool. You can ASK the drivers to drop things off on their way home, which if you're nice to them they will do. You can offer them overtime if it's really far out of their way. But forcing them under threat of unemployment is not cool. As it happens, I was having a party that weekend and he was invited. We had a nice little chat about how to treat the drivers and what is ok and what isn't cool. I thought everything was A-OK after that. Once again, WRONG.
Today I had one of my female drivers (there are only 2) come to me crying because The Parts Nazi screamed at her in front of everyone (not cool), cursed at her (not cool), and treated her like a child because he thinks she did something wrong. Which really she was following the directions she got when she was hired and he just doesn't remember what he said. I said something to our Accounting/HR/do everything cuz she's the bosses daughter in law again, but no one will say anything because it's so hard to get anyone to actually WORK at work anymore. So, then it's left up to me. If I talk to him again it's going to turn into a blow out when I explain to him Yes, I am your fucking boss and you no longer have the right to do the things you are doing because I FUCKING SAID SO BITCH. Or, if I don't, we lose good drivers because they will quit, which it's equally hard to find good drivers. None of the upper management wants anything to do with this and I don't know where to go with it. Anyone have any advice?
I might have to hit him with a bag of hot nickles.....
1.25.2007
This Just In........
*beep bu-beep beeeeeeep beep beep*
Good Evening and Welcome to The Evening News With The Laundry Broad.
Tonight we have breaking news. Delivered in the post today came a letter with Eatsern Center fot the Arts and Technology. As you might imagine this was a nerve wracking experience for the Laundry household.
Laundry Broad: " I just didn't know what to do. I just sat there and looked at the envelope."
We are happy to report that the Laundry Broad has passed the exam and will now be considered for admittance to LPN school.
Thank You and have a Good Night.
*beep bu-beep beep beeeep*
Good Evening and Welcome to The Evening News With The Laundry Broad.
Tonight we have breaking news. Delivered in the post today came a letter with Eatsern Center fot the Arts and Technology. As you might imagine this was a nerve wracking experience for the Laundry household.
Laundry Broad: " I just didn't know what to do. I just sat there and looked at the envelope."
We are happy to report that the Laundry Broad has passed the exam and will now be considered for admittance to LPN school.
Thank You and have a Good Night.
*beep bu-beep beep beeeep*
Labels: Good news
1.17.2007
The Scale.....
***Possibly not safe for my dad to read. You may get grossed out, just so you know.
Lately The BIFF's have been discussing the cost of a blow job and whether or not we should charge for such services. Well, last night a similar conversation came up in the Laundry household.
The Capt: Can I get you to at least touch it tonight?
Me: I told you yesterday I hurt my hand. I'd have to use my left.
The Capt: That would work for me..... Or you could touch it with your mouth...
Me: OOooohhhh..... those are my options huh?? What do I get out of this?
The Capt: UUuuummmm.... I have $5 dollars.....
Me: No way! Touching it with my mouth is worth way more than $5 dollars.
The Capt: I'll give you all the money I have over there in my hat.
Me: How much?
The Capt: I'm not telling and tipping my hand....
Me: Fine I'll look myself. FOURTEEN DOLLARS??? That's what you think touching it with my mouth is worth?? Geeez..... cheapo.
The Capt: Well, how much then?
Me: At least $20. It should be at least $20. For touching with my left hand.
The Capt: WHAT?? That should be like $4!! Hands should be $4, Blow Jobs like $14 and Anal like $20!
Me: HAHAHAHA! Are you kidding? $4 dollars to touch it?? I wouldn't get it near my mouth for less than $20, and Anal?? Are you kidding? You'd best just sign over your paycheck bitch.
The Capt: *Pfffftttt* What ever..... *miserable bitch doesn't even like my wiener anymore*
Me: You know I'm going to have to tell the girls about this. We were discussing this the other day.
The Capt: Discussing what?
Me: You know, how much we charge....
The Capt: There's something wrong with you guys.... seriously.....
So now girls and boys we have a pay scale. Does it work for you?
Touch left handed: $10
Mouth: $20 (price adjustable for Finishing Move)
Anal: Give me your pay check.
Lately The BIFF's have been discussing the cost of a blow job and whether or not we should charge for such services. Well, last night a similar conversation came up in the Laundry household.
The Capt: Can I get you to at least touch it tonight?
Me: I told you yesterday I hurt my hand. I'd have to use my left.
The Capt: That would work for me..... Or you could touch it with your mouth...
Me: OOooohhhh..... those are my options huh?? What do I get out of this?
The Capt: UUuuummmm.... I have $5 dollars.....
Me: No way! Touching it with my mouth is worth way more than $5 dollars.
The Capt: I'll give you all the money I have over there in my hat.
Me: How much?
The Capt: I'm not telling and tipping my hand....
Me: Fine I'll look myself. FOURTEEN DOLLARS??? That's what you think touching it with my mouth is worth?? Geeez..... cheapo.
The Capt: Well, how much then?
Me: At least $20. It should be at least $20. For touching with my left hand.
The Capt: WHAT?? That should be like $4!! Hands should be $4, Blow Jobs like $14 and Anal like $20!
Me: HAHAHAHA! Are you kidding? $4 dollars to touch it?? I wouldn't get it near my mouth for less than $20, and Anal?? Are you kidding? You'd best just sign over your paycheck bitch.
The Capt: *Pfffftttt* What ever..... *miserable bitch doesn't even like my wiener anymore*
Me: You know I'm going to have to tell the girls about this. We were discussing this the other day.
The Capt: Discussing what?
Me: You know, how much we charge....
The Capt: There's something wrong with you guys.... seriously.....
So now girls and boys we have a pay scale. Does it work for you?
Touch left handed: $10
Mouth: $20 (price adjustable for Finishing Move)
Anal: Give me your pay check.
1.15.2007
I don't hate all foreigners.....
I just want to make that clear before I tell you this story. Working in Philly has really opened my eyes as far as different accents. I have spanish guys, korean guys, chinese and japanese, a few russians, some english guys, pretty much you pick it I hear it. Whn I first started this job I had an awful time 'hearing' and 'understanding' but after awhile I learned to 'hear' what they were saying, not what it sounded like. For example:
Korean Customer: "I nee a stata fow ninee-sic cysler cillus"
Translation: "I need a starter for a nintey-six chrystler cirrus"
Me: "How are you today Boris?"
Boris the Russian: "Marrrrrvolous, just Maaarrrrrrvolous! You send me Brrrrakes and Rrrrotor for tempo, is good, ya?"
Now, mostly I have gotten past the accent differences except for with a few customers. These guys piss me off because they don't even TRY to be intelligable! There enunciation sucks so bad I want to rip their tongues right out of their mouths. I understand, yes, you learned most of the language which is a HUGE undertaking, I can't even learn Portuguese. But, here's the difference. I AM NOT IN A COUNTRY THAT SPEAKS PORTUGUESE. I don't mind if you make mistakes in the application of our language, it's to be expected. What pisses me off is the fact they make no attempt to ennunciate. I have this whispery little fuck who is SO. DIFFICULT. Example:
Whispery Little Fuck: "Emeency swi.. in coroo...you knoo.... fo emeency.. bink bink... you kno...... wha I mea????
Translation: "I need a emergency switch (also known as hazard light switch) in the coloumn, you know, the emergency light switch, do you understand what I mean?"
Me:"AAAAAARRRGGGG MUTHERFUCK!! NO I DO NO KNO WHA YOU MEA..... STOP WHISPERING!!!! I HATE YOU!!"
Please, for the love of god someone kill me before I cut someone.....
Korean Customer: "I nee a stata fow ninee-sic cysler cillus"
Translation: "I need a starter for a nintey-six chrystler cirrus"
Me: "How are you today Boris?"
Boris the Russian: "Marrrrrvolous, just Maaarrrrrrvolous! You send me Brrrrakes and Rrrrotor for tempo, is good, ya?"
Now, mostly I have gotten past the accent differences except for with a few customers. These guys piss me off because they don't even TRY to be intelligable! There enunciation sucks so bad I want to rip their tongues right out of their mouths. I understand, yes, you learned most of the language which is a HUGE undertaking, I can't even learn Portuguese. But, here's the difference. I AM NOT IN A COUNTRY THAT SPEAKS PORTUGUESE. I don't mind if you make mistakes in the application of our language, it's to be expected. What pisses me off is the fact they make no attempt to ennunciate. I have this whispery little fuck who is SO. DIFFICULT. Example:
Whispery Little Fuck: "Emeency swi.. in coroo...you knoo.... fo emeency.. bink bink... you kno...... wha I mea????
Translation: "I need a emergency switch (also known as hazard light switch) in the coloumn, you know, the emergency light switch, do you understand what I mean?"
Me:"AAAAAARRRGGGG MUTHERFUCK!! NO I DO NO KNO WHA YOU MEA..... STOP WHISPERING!!!! I HATE YOU!!"
Please, for the love of god someone kill me before I cut someone.....
Labels: discontent., hate, work
1.11.2007
Joke of the day....
Whats the difference between a Wicker Basket and a Wicker Box?
.
.
.
.
.
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A Wicker Basket goes on the front of you bicycle to carry things....
.
.
.
.
.
.
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A Wicker Box is what Buggs Bunny wants to do to Madonna...
ba dum dum cha-
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.
.
.
.
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A Wicker Basket goes on the front of you bicycle to carry things....
.
.
.
.
.
.
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A Wicker Box is what Buggs Bunny wants to do to Madonna...
ba dum dum cha-
1.10.2007
Funny Stories about What I Do...
For those of you who don't know I sell Auto parts to Mechanics. Yeah, thats what I said, Car Parts. I am the only girl at my business. It's not so bad really. I am good at what I do, I have to be. When I started on this business I had just quit college and I needed a job they way you need air. So when a job at our local AutoZone popped up I jumped at the chance. Retail sucks. Retail sucks worse when you're in a predominately male industry. And even worses than just a male industry?? Most Do it Yourselfer's have NO.CLUE. A typical day went like this:
Me: Can I help you find something sir?
Dumb Man Type: UUuuhhhh.... is there one of the guys around?
Me: Sure thing sir! HEY TIMMY! YOU GOT A CUSTOMER!!
*(side note, Timmy was a little retarded. No. Really. Little bus to school retarded)
Dumb Man Type: I need a plenum gasket for my Cirrus...
Timmy: hey Laundry Broad? Whats a Plenum gasket? Who make a cirrus? How do I look it up in the computer? Duuuurrrrrr.....
Dumb Man Type: *heavy sigh of frustration, hate, discontent because now the GIRL is going to help me even if I didn't want her to cuz GIRLS DON'T KNOW ABOUT CARS GEEZ!*
On the inside I was laughing while I innocently helped Timmy look things up at a drastically reduced speed. Because he is slow. And also? I WIN FUCKER.
Anyone else work in male retail land? Can anyone explain to me why all 'Older' men want to call me 'Hunni', 'Sweetie' in that sickeningly sweet maybe I want to fuck you later voice? AND TOUCH YOU??? I DO NOT NEED YOU TO RUB MY BACK WHILE I GET YOUR AIR FILTER! And? For realz?? Stop asking me how I learned about cars. I did it the same way boys do it. Really. Honest! Just because I habe an 'Innie' not an 'Outie' doesn't mean that I never got my hands dirty, or I 'read up on it' and have no actual practical knowledge of how to change you brakes.
Oh, also? Hey guys?? Just so you know. Wearing sweatpants out of the house without nut huggers? Not such a good idea. I can see your Junk Jiggle. I don't really want to see your junk, jiggly or otherwise. It's like the guy version of Camel Toe. No one needs to see that. Not even Sweet Baby Jebus.
Me: Can I help you find something sir?
Dumb Man Type: UUuuhhhh.... is there one of the guys around?
Me: Sure thing sir! HEY TIMMY! YOU GOT A CUSTOMER!!
*(side note, Timmy was a little retarded. No. Really. Little bus to school retarded)
Dumb Man Type: I need a plenum gasket for my Cirrus...
Timmy: hey Laundry Broad? Whats a Plenum gasket? Who make a cirrus? How do I look it up in the computer? Duuuurrrrrr.....
Dumb Man Type: *heavy sigh of frustration, hate, discontent because now the GIRL is going to help me even if I didn't want her to cuz GIRLS DON'T KNOW ABOUT CARS GEEZ!*
On the inside I was laughing while I innocently helped Timmy look things up at a drastically reduced speed. Because he is slow. And also? I WIN FUCKER.
Anyone else work in male retail land? Can anyone explain to me why all 'Older' men want to call me 'Hunni', 'Sweetie' in that sickeningly sweet maybe I want to fuck you later voice? AND TOUCH YOU??? I DO NOT NEED YOU TO RUB MY BACK WHILE I GET YOUR AIR FILTER! And? For realz?? Stop asking me how I learned about cars. I did it the same way boys do it. Really. Honest! Just because I habe an 'Innie' not an 'Outie' doesn't mean that I never got my hands dirty, or I 'read up on it' and have no actual practical knowledge of how to change you brakes.
Oh, also? Hey guys?? Just so you know. Wearing sweatpants out of the house without nut huggers? Not such a good idea. I can see your Junk Jiggle. I don't really want to see your junk, jiggly or otherwise. It's like the guy version of Camel Toe. No one needs to see that. Not even Sweet Baby Jebus.
1.08.2007
The "Man" put Crack out as population control.....
We went out to our local watering hole yesterday for the "Big Game". It was a good time mostly. We got a chance to catch up with a few people we hadn't seen in a while, and also there was our friend 'The Hipster". What you need to understand about him is he truly is a pot smokin', tree huggin', burn out. The things that came out of his mouth yesterday were truly blog gold. I had to take notes to keep up. Allow me to shed the golden light of Hippidom upon your uneducated heads......
"'The Man' put out Crack as a way to control the population, man...."
"Man, I took Crack once and it was like 'I don't feeeeeel right' man... it's definitely not a recreational drug......" (come to find out later he does smoke the Crack pretty regular, who knew???)
"When McNabb got speared in the chest last season it knocked out his soul..."
"Thirteen is NO lucky number man. I was born on 4-13-67 man...."
"Go man! Do it for the Japanese guys over in Japan and the Troops Man! They're watching by satellite RIGHT NOW!' (yelled at the TV screen during the game)
"December is Jesus's month man. January and February are Satan's months. Didn't you ever wonder why everyone is all happy in December and everyone is crying in January and February??"
"Yeah man. Six is Satan's Number. I was gonna marry my girl this year, get a nose job and get her a ring but it's 2006 man! Six is Satan's number! I'm going to do it next year, Seven! Seven is Jesus's number!"
"Man I don't even read the Bible, all you gotta do is look around. It's everywhere!"
These little jewels just popped out of his mouth all unexpected. I am just glad I was there to witness it and write all this down for you loyal readers.....
"'The Man' put out Crack as a way to control the population, man...."
"Man, I took Crack once and it was like 'I don't feeeeeel right' man... it's definitely not a recreational drug......" (come to find out later he does smoke the Crack pretty regular, who knew???)
"When McNabb got speared in the chest last season it knocked out his soul..."
"Thirteen is NO lucky number man. I was born on 4-13-67 man...."
"Go man! Do it for the Japanese guys over in Japan and the Troops Man! They're watching by satellite RIGHT NOW!' (yelled at the TV screen during the game)
"December is Jesus's month man. January and February are Satan's months. Didn't you ever wonder why everyone is all happy in December and everyone is crying in January and February??"
"Yeah man. Six is Satan's Number. I was gonna marry my girl this year, get a nose job and get her a ring but it's 2006 man! Six is Satan's number! I'm going to do it next year, Seven! Seven is Jesus's number!"
"Man I don't even read the Bible, all you gotta do is look around. It's everywhere!"
These little jewels just popped out of his mouth all unexpected. I am just glad I was there to witness it and write all this down for you loyal readers.....
1.04.2007
Happy Fucking New Year?
Ok. The things I hate about this year already.
1) Stupid people who stop where they are when the little stop sign pops out of the side of a bus. YOU CAN MOVE THE FUCK UP TO THE BUS! Continue to place your foot on the gas pedal and move your ass up to the bus. You do not need a football field in front of your car. You will not run any small children over if you MOVE UP. Oh? And one more thing Mr. Igotmydriverslicencefromacerealbox, stop spiking your breaks when you see the little sign come out. Do you break 400 yards away from the stop sign when you see one at an intersection? Do you creep up on it when it's not looking? Stop. Feather foot off break, a little gas, BREAK. Creeeeeeepppppp...... STOP DRIVING LIKE AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!
2) I got this kid hired. He's a decent kid. He shows up everyday (albeit stoned to the gills). Suddenly he's decided I'm not his boss. Oh No You Didn't. Listen here you little fuck. I.Am.You.Superior. I am your boss, and the boss of everything you do, see, say, speak. I am the boss of the people you are the boss of. DO.NOT.ARGUE.WITH.ME.
3) Having fight night at the house and discovering I dislike one of the attendee's even less than originally suspected. A typical conversation goes like this:
The Capt. "Yeah, I've been thinking about trading the truck in for a Cooper Mini, they handle better"
Mr. Fast and Furious: "Oh Dude, don't say that, that's a girl car! If you wanted to get one Laundry Broad that'd be ok. But The Capt. needs a truck." (apparently because trucks are more MANLY)
Me: "Uhhhh is that why you drive your nifty little zippy Honda Mr. PimpMyRide? Cuz, seriously, that's a MANLY ass car!"
Mr. F&F: "uuhhhmmm, duasjfhfbwehqlghf *insert excuse here* Nu uh... My car rocks....."
ME: "Yeah, that's kinda what I thought. Zippy."
He just basically was being mean and nasty to make himself look better. Which it did not. He won't be attending any more fight nights. Ass tard of the highest quality. Plus I am starting to think he might be of the 'Man Toucher' variety and won't admit it to himself and that's the reason he's so angry. Think on it.
And so 4 days into the new year and I'm already filled with hate and discontent. Ahhhh... it shall rock this year.
Fuckers....
1) Stupid people who stop where they are when the little stop sign pops out of the side of a bus. YOU CAN MOVE THE FUCK UP TO THE BUS! Continue to place your foot on the gas pedal and move your ass up to the bus. You do not need a football field in front of your car. You will not run any small children over if you MOVE UP. Oh? And one more thing Mr. Igotmydriverslicencefromacerealbox, stop spiking your breaks when you see the little sign come out. Do you break 400 yards away from the stop sign when you see one at an intersection? Do you creep up on it when it's not looking? Stop. Feather foot off break, a little gas, BREAK. Creeeeeeepppppp...... STOP DRIVING LIKE AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!
2) I got this kid hired. He's a decent kid. He shows up everyday (albeit stoned to the gills). Suddenly he's decided I'm not his boss. Oh No You Didn't. Listen here you little fuck. I.Am.You.Superior. I am your boss, and the boss of everything you do, see, say, speak. I am the boss of the people you are the boss of. DO.NOT.ARGUE.WITH.ME.
3) Having fight night at the house and discovering I dislike one of the attendee's even less than originally suspected. A typical conversation goes like this:
The Capt. "Yeah, I've been thinking about trading the truck in for a Cooper Mini, they handle better"
Mr. Fast and Furious: "Oh Dude, don't say that, that's a girl car! If you wanted to get one Laundry Broad that'd be ok. But The Capt. needs a truck." (apparently because trucks are more MANLY)
Me: "Uhhhh is that why you drive your nifty little zippy Honda Mr. PimpMyRide? Cuz, seriously, that's a MANLY ass car!"
Mr. F&F: "uuhhhmmm, duasjfhfbwehqlghf *insert excuse here* Nu uh... My car rocks....."
ME: "Yeah, that's kinda what I thought. Zippy."
He just basically was being mean and nasty to make himself look better. Which it did not. He won't be attending any more fight nights. Ass tard of the highest quality. Plus I am starting to think he might be of the 'Man Toucher' variety and won't admit it to himself and that's the reason he's so angry. Think on it.
And so 4 days into the new year and I'm already filled with hate and discontent. Ahhhh... it shall rock this year.
Fuckers....
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